twelve

Charlotte was cooking the Sunday lunch. Mindful of the potential for a disaster she had just oh so carefully turned the roast potatoes when she heard a noise behind her. What she had expected when she turned around she did not know. But the last thing she expected to see was a penis. Now Charlotte was no stranger to a penis. She had spent a year at university where they had been in plentiful supply. But this penis was very different. Oh yes, very different indeed. Not in its shape and size. In fact it was an average penis in shape and size, at least in Charlotte’s experience of penises. What made it very different, and extremely embarrassing, was that it was attached to her father’s naked body. There stood Charlotte, stark naked except for a pair of fetching green striped oven gloves, glowing red from embarrassment at the sight of her naked father. They were both speechless in their shared discomfiture.

Her equally naked mother was not bothered at all. She brushed passed her husband and strode past Charlotte.

“How’s the dinner coming along, Charlotte?”

Charlotte’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish in a bowl

“What’s the matter” said her mother “cat got your tongue”

Charlotte gulped some more. Eventually she said

“But I never, but you are both like er”

“Nude” finished her mother “Yes we are, after all we couldn’t let you have all the fun could we”

Charlotte had been dreading Sunday lunch. The thought of sitting at the table wearing nothing at all and trying to make convivial conversation with her parents had been preying on her mind all week. Now all her fears had come to pass with an extra helping of embarrassment. She sat in total silence as her parents chatted convivially. With grim fascination she watched her mother’s breasts bouncing as she gesticulated to emphasise a particular point that the vicar had made in his sermon that morning. Her father was sitting opposite his daughter so the table mercifully hid his penis from Charlotte’s view. A potato fell from her fork onto her plate. Charlotte winced as warm sticky gravy splashed onto her chest.

“You mucky girl” scolded her mother

“Er, sorry I “

Her mother interrupted. “Well at least it I don’t have to wash your dirty clothes!”

Despite herself Charlotte began to giggle uncontrollably. Her father also began to chortle quietly which slowly built up, like a rising sea, into a fully blown guffaw. Her mother got up and wandered into the kitchen. She returned momentarily with a damp cloth

“Here, wipe yourself down, and down there as well” Charlotte followed her mother’s gaze down. There was a large globule of sticky brown gravy perched precariously on her blonde pubic hair

“Oops” said Charlotte with a smile, “could have been even more washing”

With the ice finally broken Charlotte’s family’s first family nude lunch proceeded to an amicable conclusion.

She was helping her mother load the dishwasher when the house phone rung. A short time later her father appeared in the doorway.

“It’s Stella, she was wondering if we still wanted to come over”

“Yes, sure” replied her mother in an offhand way, “does she want us as we are?”

Charlotte looked astonished at her mother, and then at her father leaning casually against the doorframe..

“What’s the dress code Stella” asked her father

“You are!” he exclaimed “Tom too? Well done the pair of you”

He looked at his wife, she nodded.

Charlotte could not believe this. “You can’t go……”

“We’ve both taken the plunge too” said her father into the phone.

Charlotte could hear Stella’s voice in the earpiece, buzzing like an excited bee.

“Stella wants to know if you’re coming Charlotte?” her father asked

“Er well, er I can’t” replied Charlotte as she grabbed at a straw she suddenly found floating on the surface of her own private pool of embarrassment and fear.

“Under the terms of ‘Nude for Africa’ I can’t put on anything today. I’d have to walk there naked”

“Oh I’m sure we can creep across with no one seeing” her mother replied confidently

Charlotte’s jaw dropped faster than a lead balloon.

Memory of the afternoon at Lizzie’s suddenly loomed large in her mind as her father said into the phone “Be over in about ten minutes, as soon as we’ve worked out how”

“I think” said her mother thoughtfully “we can go out of the front door”

‘Oh no, no, no not that again’ thought Charlotte desperately

“Mother where are you going” she pleaded as her parents headed for the front door

“Don’t worry sweetie, I’m just checking” said her mother putting on a coat. She disappeared out of the door leaving Charlotte naked with her father in the hall. A silence fell between them. What do you say to your naked father? Perhaps a joke to lighten the air? But the only joke that her treacherous mind could recall was the one about a deaf leprechaun and a twelve inch pianist. Just as Charlotte was about start gulping like a goldfish her mother burst through the door. She and her father exchanged mutual looks of pure relief.

“We can do it” said her mother enthusiastically as she stripped off her coat “we can’t be seen at our door and we can slip across the front garden without anyone seeing us because of the hedge. Well as long as there is nobody on the street”

“No one on the street” repeated Charlotte in a small voice.

“Oh come on” retorted her mother “Where’s your sense of adventure? We have to try new things now and again”

Charlotte winced, she had already done nude in the street and hadn’t liked it. Her father was none to enthusiastic either.

“But Judy, what if…”

But Judy had already gone out of the door. Her husband scampered after her leaving Charlotte on her own. Grabbing her door keys Charlotte stepped across the threshold. Once again she stood exposed to the world. A horrible feeling of déjà vu filled her whole being as she felt the warm breeze over her skin, followed by the cold gale of panic at being left naked and alone and in a public place.

“Charlotte, come on!” hissed her father from behind the hedge.

She swiftly scuttled through the two front gardens and burst into her neighbours’ hallway. Here she was again, stark naked in another house.

“Well you’ve certainly started something” said Stella. Charlotte was more familiar with breasts than penises, after all she had a pair of her own, but never in all the changing rooms she had frequented had she seen a pair as large and as firm as Stella’s. She was still gawping as a very nervous and naked Tom hove into view. Charlotte had noticed the bulge in his trousers when he had left after lunch and now the guilty party was hanging there in front of Tom for all to see. She was pleased to see it was under firm control.

“We thought we’d have drinks in the garden” said Tom quickly. He turned away from Charlotte and led the way out to the back of the house. By the time she got to the garden Tom was seated at the garden table with his bottom half well hidden from view. Charlotte was relieved, while she had enjoyed teasing Tom earlier, and had almost crowed in triumph when she noticed the erection in his trousers she had no desire to view the same effect with the one eyed snake freed from its fetters. Charlotte resolved to be good.