eleven

Alice’s father and brother had been fussing around for the last half hour, checking sight lines from the front door to the neighbours’ windows and fixing and reaffixing sun blinds to the car. They had checked from all angles to see if the seat she was to occupy was visible from the outside. Only when they were totally satisfied did Greg came in to the house and announce:

“I’m going to do one more dress rehearsal, before big sis does the undress performance”

The car was as close to the front door as was physically possible, Alice could have stepped from house to car without touching the ground. Greg gingerly stepped out of the door and climbed into the backseat of the car while their father watched from the end of the drive.

“How was that Dad?” Thumbs up.

“God knows what the neighbours will be thinking” muttered Alice as she watched them.

“They wouldn’t come up with the right answer, not in their widest dreams” said her mother who had crept up behind her.

“In you get Alice” said her father. Alice grabbed her bag and stepped out into the sunshine. She stood on the step soaking in the warmth of the sun all over her body; she felt the heat of the faint summer breeze over her skin.

“Get in before somebody comes along” hissed her mother. Alice jumped into the car and closed the door behind her. She reached out for the seat belt which felt smooth against her naked skin. She smiled at her mother as she got in next her.

“OK sweetie?” she asked

“Fine Mum” Alice replied as she absentmindedly pulled her left breast from beneath the belt.

Her father made one more circuit of the car to check no flesh was visible and then got into the driving seat.

Alice watched the world go by, it was a baking hot summer’s day and only a few mad dogs and Englishmen walked along the parched pavements. They stopped at a red light near to a pub She watched as the drinkers talked and gesticulated to each other. No one looked at the car, not one of them realised that she was sitting stark naked in its cool dark interior watching them. Alice smiled, if only they knew. The sound of her phone broke into her reverie.

“Hi Lizzie, what are you doing”

“We’re having a barbeque.”

“In the nude?” asked Alice

“Yes, why not” replied Lizzie

“Bit like a bikers’ reunion. A few fat issues”

“Ha ha, Dad’s used to it”

“Invited the neighbours?” asked Alice

“Yes but they haven’t come. They didn’t say no though”

“Have you seen them?”

“Well Marjory has been out in the garden and chatting to Mum across the fence. I don’t know what her husband thinks of it all. Never mind me how’s it with you?” asked Lizzie “have you been nude in front of the family yet”

“Oh yes that’s all over, I’m in the car on my way to my grandmother’s”

“In a car, I’ve been naked all over for years, but I’ve never been in a car, what’s it like, has anyone spotted you yet.”

“No, I’m well hidden behind blinds,” replied Alice and then she raised her voice so her father could hear “it would be ok if the air con was a little lower mind you, some of us haven’t got any clothes on you know”

Alice could hear Lizzie laughing. “Have you heard from Charlie” she asked.

“Not since just before her parents arrived”

“They did the dirty on her and brought the neighbours in for tea” said Lizzie

“That’s outrageous” sad Alice “how did Charlie take it”

“Well you know how she can be a tease at times” began Lizzie “well imagine her doing it in the nude”

“How her parents like that?” asked Alice

“They’ve retreated in confusion. Charlie thinks their cooking up some new plan between them”

“She’s not the only one, I’m not too sure about the guest list for Sunday lunch at my grandmother’s” said Alice

“Oh it’s just family dear” said her mother sitting beside her.

“What do you mean, just family” Alice retorted, looking sharply at her. “Listen Lizzie I’ve got to go.”

She hung up and was about to tackle her mother on that casual comment when the car pulled up at her grandmother’s. Her father muttered something under his breath and tooted the horn. There was a car blocking the drive. Alice recognised it only too well. Her uncle, aunt and cousins had been invited to dinner.

Alice confronted her mother “You didn’t tell me they were invited”

“Oh didn’t I dear” she replied innocently “Why, would have made a difference.”

“So now I’m going to be nude in front of my whole family” said Alice crossly

“Yes dear, but isn’t that the whole point this day. People who run marathons have to suffer, so surely you should too”

“Well, I didn’t expect to be paraded around for everyone to see”

“It’s all for charity dear” said her mother sweetly

Her grandmother had come out and was waving.

“Can you get Pete to move his car,” shouted her father “I need to get Alice as close to the door as possible” said her father

Alice was still cross. “Oh come on mother,” she complained “you, Dad, Nan, Greg, Uncle Pete” she was counting on her fingers “Auntie Jackie, Johnnie and Paul and then little ol’ me in the altogether”

“Just think of the poor starving Africans while you eat your lunch dear” replied her mother.

“Well there’s no point waiting here,” said an increasingly furious Alice “you’ve probably invited the whole street anyway” With that parting shot across her mother’s bows Alice opened the car door and got out. She slammed it theatrically and stormed off towards her grandmother’s. Unfortunately Alice had decided that for today naked meant naked and she hadn’t worn any shoes. And so her petulant performance was marred by the inconvenient fact that her grandmother’s tarmac drive was hotter than the planet Venus.

Her father watched his daughter’s bare behind waddle unceremoniously down the drive and then he put his head into his hands.

“Way to go sis” shouted Greg.